


Kleptomania

by Kibasdaydreams



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: FFXVweek 2 day 4, FFXVweek2, Gen, One of Them Is Missing prompt, Sassy Ignis, mild violence, silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-03
Updated: 2016-08-03
Packaged: 2018-07-29 04:10:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7669573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kibasdaydreams/pseuds/Kibasdaydreams
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He felt something within him snap when his search turned up empty yet again. </p>
<p>There was but one option left: “Prompto Argentum!”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kleptomania

**Author's Note:**

> Originally for FFXV week 2 day 4 on Tumblr (One of Them Is Missing). Constructive criticism is welcome, but please don't be nasty. This one is rather silly and lighthearted, and was inspired by all the times when my mother was agitated by something going missing in the kitchen, and because Ignis is FFXV's Team Mom I thought this could work well for him. I might review it some time since I wrote this one pretty quickly. Feel free to follow me on Tumblr: http://kibasdaydreams.tumblr.com
> 
> Enjoy and please comment!

This could not be happening. 

How could he ever let something as terrible as this to come to fruition?! Ignis frantically searched through his supplies for the umpteenth time, praying that he had perhaps just misplaced it (though he knew that his meticulous nature would never allow it). He felt something within him snap when his search turned up empty yet again. There was but one option left: “Prompto Argentum!”

The bubbly blond immediately bounced over to Ignis. “Do you need any help, Iggy?”

The bespectacled man’s eyebrow twitched slightly. How dare his so-called friend act so innocently! Ignis would not be so easily fooled! “Summon your accomplices,” he ordered.

Prompto paled at the older man’s snappiness but decided that it was safest to just do as he asked (for him, anyway). Knowing where they would most likely be (or, rather where Noctis would most likely be), he crawled into the group’s shared tent and found them sitting cross-legged perfectly adjacent to each other, eyes trained on one another. “Guys, Ignis is asking for you,” he said, trying to get their attention.

Gladiolus looked in his direction, “Why? What does he-?” he started before he quickly turned his attention back to the now smirking Noctis. He slapped his forehead and buried his face in his hands. “Oh dammit, Prom! I was so close to winning that staring contest!”

“Staring contest…?”

“We were bored,” Noctis spoke up. “And somebody dropped the playing cards in the water last night, and they still haven’t dried yet.”

Prompto visibly flinched. “Ah, come on, gimme a break already! I said I was sorry!”

“Don’t sweat it. Besides I won, so now Gladio has to do his forfeit,” said Noctis, his expression turning coy.

“Ugh, all right I’ll eat your stupid veggies,” the bodyguard grunted. Suddenly, his own expression became equally as playful as his charge’s. “Although, I might turn into a giant carrot if I eat too many…”

The prince’s eyes widened with fear. “I’ll put you out of your misery should that happen,” he promised (with notable sincerity).

“Ah, speaking of vegetables,” Prompto cut in. “Ignis really is freaking out over something, so we’d better get over ASAP.”

*** 

“Who took it?”

The three men shifted uncomfortably, realizing that firstly, Ignis was positively livid, and secondly, their line-up was reminiscent to that of prisoners about to be shot by firing squad. “Um, who took what, Iggy?” Gladiolus asked rather hesitantly. In all his life, he had never seen the usually well-composed man this angry before. 

And his question only made him angrier.

“Don’t you ‘Iggy’ me, Gladiolus Amictia! One of my measuring cups is missing, and I know you are responsible! Where is it?!”

They weren’t sure what was more terrifying: their friend’s abnormal state of fury, or the fact that the loss of a measuring cup was the cause of it. They stood there speechless, not wanting to enrage Ignis further. Unfortunately, this tactic seemed to wear away the last of his patience. “That’s it!” he exclaimed. “This farce has gone on long enough! I’m going to find it with or without your cooperation! Turn out all your pockets, or I will be forced to frisk each of you individually!”

“Iggy, can you maybe chill?” suggested Noctis.

“How about maybe you chill?!”

“Ignis, look behind you!”

“Ha! As though I’d fall for something so prosaic; you’ll have to do better than that, I’m afraid.”

“No, I’m serious, there’s a sabertusk behind you!”

“Oh shit! It’s in your kitchen supplies!” Prompto shouted.

“WHAT?!” Ignis roared, turning around in a blink of an eye. Indeed, there was a sabertusk that was currently rifling through his culinary paraphernalia (which had just been polished by the party’s cook) before running away, carrying off the measuring spoons in its teeth.

“We must follow its tracks,” Ignis announced, pushing up his glasses. “I predict that there is at least a sixty-eight percent chance that this sabertusk is also the thief of my measuring cup.”

“Don’t you think you’re overreacting a little?” said Gladiolus. “It’s just a sabertusk. I doubt that–“

“Unless you are the perpetrator of the crime, after all?”

“Ah, never mind what I just said! Let’s just go after it, yeah?” the taller man spluttered nervously.

‘Please let the stupid measuring cup be there…’

*** 

The group followed the tracks back to the creature’s hideout: a small cave hidden within in the dense forest where five other sabertusks were waiting. “There’s my measuring cup!” Ignis hissed to the others who all breathed a sigh of relief.

“Well,” Prompto began, “now that we’ve found it we can just wait until it leaves and then-“

“And let it live?! It’s a textbook kleptomaniac, Prompto, it won’t stop no matter what!”

“Okay, you’re definitely exaggerating now.”

“What if it goes after something of yours next, and then destroys it between its jaws, hmm? We’re very fortunate that my utensils are seemingly unscathed.”

“… Right, I see…” the gunner trailed off, as he exchanged worried glances with Gladiolus and Noctis. After this they seriously needed to get Ignis drunk or something – he was obviously way too wound up. Maybe they could find a nice inn with an onsen…

“So what’s the plan, Iggy?” Gladiolus inquired, desperate for the calculating man he knew so well to come back to his senses.

“No plan,” said Ignis as he summoned his blades. “However, the thief is mine!” And with that, he charged into battle unflinchingly with an uncharacteristic war cry, leaving his friends no choice but to join the fray. He slashed his blades wildly and practically burned down the woods with his flames in a truly un-Ignis like manner. Together, they soon slew all the monsters – though it was more accurate to say that Ignis soon slew all the monsters (three out of six himself, including the supposed kleptomaniac).

He quickly retrieved both the measuring cup and the measuring spoons, and clutching them like a lifeline, he began to trek back to the campsite. “Thank you,” he panted, having relaxed back to the standard, not-so-terrifying Ignis. “You will be rewarded with my signature pound cake tonight.”

“Ah, thanks and all, but don’t we get an apology?” asked Prompto meekly, causing Ignis to halt his footsteps, and Noctis and Gladiolus to look away uncomfortably. “I mean, you did threaten to frisk us, you know?”

Ignis twisted around to face the others wearing a menacing glare, eyes narrowed into slits. “Don’t. Push It.”

They gulped nervously, deciding to heed his warning. None of them wanted to end up like the sabertusk after all…


End file.
